Date: Mon, 23 OCT 1995 10:44:54 -0500 (EST) 
From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #789 

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Selected-By: "Joshua R. Poulson" <jrp@pun.org>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Orrie,
> I'm about to graduate, and a degree in Philosophy never got anbody
> anywhere, so I'm seriously considering a career in crime. I would
> appreciate it if you could rate for me the top ten criminal activities
> in terms of their profit/risk ratio so that I can make an informed
> choice that will enable me to thumb my nose at society in comfort
> and with impunity.

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} It pleases me to see a mortal displaying some modicum of intelligence;
} for that reason I shall turn a blind eye to the lack of grovelling, for
} the time being. Here are the ten most popular criminal careers, with a
} brief cost/benefit analysis.
}
} No. Activity             Pros                    Cons
} --- --------             ----                    ----
} 1   Government minister  The courts can convict  Only people who
}                          you as often as they    are extraordinarily
}                          like; it makes no       physically ugly
}                          difference              get the job
}
} 2   Rubber-casketer      No rubber-casketer has  Lack of notoriety
}                          yet been arrested       as no-one has figured
}                                                  out what they do
}
} 3   Credit card fraud    *Really* easy,          Forgetting which
}                          is especially with the  your actual card
}                          card likes of Netscape
}
} 4   Tax evasion          No-one seems to care    You have to be liable
}                          very much about         for tax to start with
}                          catching you            (and that means *work*)
}
} 5   Computer crime       Fun; can be done from   Obesity; caffeine
}                          home in your spare      addiction; disdain
}                          time                    from opposite sex
}
} 6   Stealing cars        Fun; High profile;      Getting round a hi-tech
}                          buccaneer image         security system only to
}                                                  find it won't start
}                                                  because of damp leads
}
} 7   Social security      Lots of publicity       Limited earning
}     fraud                                        potential
}
} 8   Confidence tricks    Intellectually          Getting to like
}                          challenging             your victims
}
} 9   Drug dealing         Lack of victim makes    Competition;
}                          detection virtually     demonization; too much
}                          impossible              like legal business!
}
} 10  Corporate crime      Compensates for         No access to spoils;
}                          incompetence            inability to trust
}                                                  anyone
}
} You owe me an alibi for writing this answer.