Date: Sat, 22 OCT 1994 20:52:27 -0500 
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #685 

Selected-By: Darkmage <DAVIS@licre.ludwig.edu.au>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oh most wisest and powerful Oracle!
>
> Is Elvis really dead?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Boy, old Elvis really duped people good with that disappearing act,
} didn't he?  Being omniscienter than the average bear, I have some
} information many of you have only wondered about.  Let me give you a
} brief chronology.
}
} August 16, 1977 - glues Elvis wig and sideburns onto bloated corpse of
} Jimmy Hoffa and leaves him on the commode.  Elvis leaves the building
} incognito, driving an AMC Gremlin.
}
} September 20, 1977 - Elvis hires a private jet to Tahiti, planning to
} hang out with Marlon Brando.  Due to profoundly bad navigation, the
} plane craslands in the Phillipine jungle.  Elvis survives, and spends
} several months living with the natives.  His magnanimous personality,
} and his habit of giving away rhinestones like they were Cadillacs,
} leads to the creation of an Elvis cult among the isolated tribe.
} "Unh-huh-huh" becomes the acolyte's mantra, and the twinkie becomes a
} blessed sacrament.  (See Weekly World News, August 8, 1989).
}
} February 22, 1978 - Just as Elvis is emerging from the rainforest, he
} is taken hostage by a shipful of those funky gray-colored aliens with
} big foreheads  (See National Enquirer, January 31, 1981).
}
} 1978 - 1983 - Elvis participates in captive breeding experiments
} conducted by the aliens using women abducted from throughout the world.
}  Elvis' genetic footprint quickly becomes the largest in the modern
} world (see The Sun, May 14, 1982, and United Nations World Population
} Abstract, 1984.
}
} November 30, 1983 - As the feeding and upkeep costs for Mr. Presley
} become unmanageable, the gray aliens free 'the King' in an Arkansas
} corn field. Elvis stumbles down the road, and quickly gets himself a
} job in a nearby gas station (National Examiner, January 3, 1984).
}
} 1984 - 1989 - Not wanting to be recognized, Elvis finds himself moving
} from town to town throughout the midwest, performing menial jobs and
} heroic acts (See every tabloid from 1984 to the present).
}
} May 3, 1985 - Elvis saves woman from burning building (see National
} Enquirer, July 9, 1985).
}
} January 8, 1988 - Elvis gives kidney to dying child (see Weekly World
} News, April 23, 1988).
}
} May 25, 836 - Elvis turns Mongol hordes away from the gates of
} Constantinople (see The Ottoman Empire: Beyond Footstools, HBJ, 1976).
}
} January 14, 1990 - Elvis starts a new job at the Berklee School of
} Music teaching a class in 'Schlock Film Soundtracking'.
}
} February 3, 1990 - Elvis discovers the school's computer facilities,
} starts surfing the internet.
}
} February 7, 1990 - Elvis submits the following query to the Usenet
} Oracle:
}
} >Date: February 7, 1990
} >From: "The Once and Future King" (epresley@lisamarie.berklee.edu)
} >Subject: tellme
} >How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
}
} Is Elvis still alive?  You don't think I would let him live, do you?
}
} You owe the Oracle a teddy bear.