Date: Mon, 23 OCT 1995 10:44:54 -0500 (EST) 
From: oracle-request@cs.indiana.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #789 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> whether i should take this job

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} This is Usenet.  During the day, millions of people work here.  At
} night, millions more play here.  Sometimes they ask questions.  That's
} where I come in.  I work here.  I carry a badge.
}
} DUM-DE-DUM-DUM.  DUM-DE-DUM-DUM-DUMMMM.
}
}                            _____/\_____
}                           \    UNPD   /
}                            (   _/\_   )
}                           (    \  /    )
}                           (    /  \    )
}                            \  44-755  /
}                             ----  ----
}                                 \/
}
} 10:15 pm.  We work working the night shift out of the Meaning of Life
} Squad when the call came in.  My Captain's T.U. Oracle.  My partner's
} Bill Gannon.  My name's Friday.
}
} Oracle:  Joe, Bill
}
} Friday:  Captain
}
} Gannon:  Captain
}
} Oracle:  We've got another 762
}
} Friday:  762 -- "whether i should take this job"
}
} Oracle:  That's it.  Here's the report.  Check it out, see if we can
} help.
}
} [Friday looks at Gannon.  Gannon looks at Friday.  Both nod, then head
} out the door.]
}
} 11:30pm.  Approaching the supplicant's house, we heard a voice through
} the front door.  Although faint, it sounded like "to run, or not to
} run." When we knocked on the door, the supplicant, a Mr. C. Powell,
} answered. Although he seemed rather flustered, he let us in, leading us
} to his office.  Judging from the condition of the carpet, he had been
} pacing for some hours.
}
} Powell:  I'm rather surprised to see you here.  I understood that the
} Oracle answered all questions by email.
}
} Friday:  He does, Mr. Powell, but
}
} Powell (interrupting):  General
}
} [Friday notes the four stars on each shoulder of the supplicant's
} sports shirt.]
}
} Friday: Sorry, General Powell.  As I was saying, the Oracle answers all
} questions electronically, but sometimes he requires a little
} background. [Gannon is looking at a set of pictures on the wall.  All
} show the General, usually with some important person.] Now, let's make
} sure of the information we have.  You've recently successfully
} completed a very important job, you've been offered a new job, and you
} want to know if you should take it.
}
} Powell:  That's correct.  Actually I've been offered the same job
} twice.
}
} Friday:  Sir?
}
} Powell:  Yes.  [Hands Friday two letters.  Gannon reads over Friday's
} shoulder.]  As you can see, a "Mr. C" and a "Mr. D" would both like me
} to work for them.
}
} Gannon:  It says here that neither Mr. C nor Mr. D can offer you this
} job until next summer?  And the position won't open until January 20,
} 1997?  And, if you take the wrong offer, you might not have a job at
} all.
}
} Powell:  That's correct.
}
} Gannon:  It also says that this job would involve very little work.
}
} Powell:  Yes.  Mostly going to funerals and cutting ribbons, plus
} making a few speeches.
}
} Friday:  So I take it that you not only want to know if you should take
} this job, but you also want to know which offer to take?
}
} Powell:  Not exactly.
}
} Friday:  [Glancing at Gannon]  Sir?
}
} Powell:  There's also this letter from "Mr. P".  [Hands letter to
} Friday.  Again, Gannon looks over Friday's shoulder.]
}
} Gannon:  He's offering you Mr. C's current job.  If you can "win" it.
}
} Powell:  Yes.  But there's a catch.
}
} Friday:  It says here that you would have to appear on television for
} on hour every week, explaining a large number of meaningless diagrams.
}
} Powell (sighs): That's right.  But otherwise, the job has more
} responsibilities, better pay, and more control than Mr. C's or Mr. D's
} position.  Unless, of course, Mr. P decides to take the job himself.
}
} Friday:  Well, Sir, I think we have enough information.  We will file
} our report, and the Oracle should be in touch with you shortly.
}
} Powell:  Do you think he can help me?
}
} Friday:  Certainly, Sir.  Governor Cuomo found him very helpful.
}
} [Powell, Friday, and Gannon all look at one another.  Friday nods,
} almost imperceptibly.  He and Gannon turn and leave the office.]
}
} DUM-DE-DUM-DUM.  DUM-DE-DUM-DUM-DUMMMM.
}
} On 20 October, the Oracle, All Powerful Sage and Soothsayer in and for
} the Usenet Culture, pondered General Powell's question.  His answer:
}
} } Dear General,
} }
} } Don't take any of the offers.  Working with any of these clowns
} } can only hurt your reputation.  Sit back, relax, and wait for
} } them to be caught with their pants down.  (In "C's" case, probably
} } literally.)  You will then get an offer for C's job from
} } a large group of people.  In the meantime, purchase a large,
} } white stallion and learn to ride.
} }
} } You owe the Oracle an Ambassadorship to a small Caribbean country.