Date: Mon, 31 OCT 1994 12:48:10 -0500 
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #687 

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Selected-By: forbes@icabod.ih.att.com (Scott Forbes)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Wise and fabulous Oracle,
>
> What do you think of the Prince Charles and Princess Diana situation?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}                 The Princess and the Jelly Beans
}
} Once upon a time, or maybe twice, there was a bored prince. Besides
} being bored, he was lonely, homely, and beset upon by paparazzi. As you
} could imagine, this made him a little irritable from time to time, but
} he worked it off through occasional hunting trips and the knowledge
} that someday he would be King.
}
} One day, his mother the Queen called to him. "Chuck," she said, for
} that was his name, being short for 'Woodchuck,' "the time is come for
} you to settle down." She sent him forth for to find a wife.
}
} Now in those days it was common for a young man to find a wife by
} searching at discos and nightclubs and other places where a woman might
} be found drinking or dancing. But such a woman would not be suitable
} for a prince. Suffice it to say that the Prince undertook a long and
} difficult search and finally brought home a woman whom he proclaimed to
} be "fit for a prince."
}
} The Queen had her doubts. She wanted only the best for her son, as she
} needed to ensure that the new princess would never be caught sunbathing
} topless or consorting with other men. So she devised a test for the new
} Princess-to-be.
}
} The night before the Princess-to-be was to arrive, the Queen snuck into
} the guest room and looked at the bed. Unlike the beds once used for
} visiting princesses, this one was a waterbed with a heater set to
} precisely 30 degrees Celsius, that being the measuring system at use in
} the kingdom for many years. The Queen looked about the room furtively,
} then slipped a screwdriver from the sleeve of her gown. It was the work
} of a moment to open the thermostat and set the it down to 29 degrees,
} while keeping the dial set at 30. She knew that this would be a true
} test of a princess. (To be completely truthful, the Queen discovered
} that she actually needed a Phillips screwdriver, and so she had to
} borrow a Swiss Army Knife from one of the palace guards. But it was
} scarcely more than the work of a moment, and the Queen posted the
} details to alt.hackers that evening.)
}
} When, on the following evening, the Princess-to-be retired to the guest
} room, the Queen could scarcely contain her glee. She watched as the
} Princess-to-be entered the guest room and closed the door behind her.
}
} What the Queen didn't know was that a spell had been cast upon the
} Princess-to-be, causing her body temperature to be precisely 29 degrees
} Celsius. This meant that the Princess-to-be did not notice anything
} strange about the temperature of the waterbed. But, based upon a rumor
} that had been passed on to her by one of the friendlier paparazzi (who
} had begun following her around as well) she wished to look under the
} mattress in order to see whether there might be, perhaps, something
} resting there for her to find.
}
} Now, the spell that this young woman was under had some strange side
} effects. In fact, almost all of its effects were side effects. Besides
} affecting her temperature, the spell gave her unusually great strength,
} keen vision, an odor reminiscent of a wet groundhog, and (most
} importantly) an uncanny desire for men with prominent ears. Due to her
} unusually great strength, she was able to easily lift the water-filled
} mattress and inspect beneath it. There her keen vision found some old
} jelly beans, two popcorn kernels, and (due to a long-ago failed test of
} a former Princess-to-be) an exceptionally flat pea.
}
} "Darn it!" said the Princess-to-be, as she pocketed the jelly beans. "I
} was hoping to find some loose change." Despite her disappointment,
} though, she got a good night's sleep on the cool waterbed.
}
} In the morning, the Princess-to-be arose refreshed. Throwing on her
} silken dressing gown (for, as she liked to put it, she preferred "to
} sleep in the raw") she emerged from the guest room only to see awaiting
} her the Queen, the Prince, the entertainer formerly known as Prince,
} and the Prince's younger brother (who was something of a rambunctious
} lad, but that's another story). Thinking quickly, the Princess-to-be
} pulled the jelly beans from the pocket of the robe. "Would any of you
} like a jelly bean? I found these under the mattress," she offered.
}
} Immediately, the Queen realized that, despite the fact that she would
} become a chilly Princess, and would no doubt make the whole castle
} smell like a wet groundhog with time, she nevertheless would certainly
} keep the royal life lively.
}
} "You have my blessing," said the Queen.
}
} The wedding followed, and for many years Prince Woodchuck and his
} Princess lived within the castle. She bore him two sons, and although
} their marriage was not a happy one, the Prince was no longer bored.
} And, from time to time he renewed the spell he had once cast upon his
} Princess, for although he always found the Princess to be chilly, and
} he despised the smell of wet groundhog, he never dared let her lose her
} attraction for men with prominent ears.
}
} You owe the Oracle a spell to attract a princess to a science geek.