Date: Wed, 26 OCT 1994 11:21:16 -0500 
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Usenet Oracularities Digest #686 

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Selected-By: Jonathan "Dr. Who" Monsarrat <jgm@cs.brown.edu>

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Great Oracle, who builds excitement,
>
> I saw this commercial about Ram trucks that were built tough, so I
> went out and bought one.
>
> On the way home, a Honda Civic took more than half a second to get
> going after the light turned green -- so I rammed it!
>
> It was fun. I stove in the whole rear of the little sucker, and
> there was pieces of taillight all over the highway. Then I backed up
> and went around, keeping on keeping on, on my way home.
>
> Next block, there was a Sentra that stopped when the light was still
> yellow, and I rammed it. I liked that. Really cool.
>
> Don't wanna bore you with the details, but I sure had a good time
> driving home, and bagged me about a dozen little Japanese cars. Then,
> when I parked and got out and got the camera to take a picture of me
> with my nice new ram, I saw that the front was all dented in!
>
> Can you believe it? It's supposed to be a ram truck, and built
> tough, and there it is all messed up after just a little bit of
> ramming!
>
> Do ya think I should sue for false advertising?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh, Gentle Supplicant,
}
} How your letter took me back to the early days, back when I was
} able to freely roam your world in my chosen physical manifestation,
} which happened to be as a magnificent ram. Oh, the rippling muscles,
} the massive stature, the sheer joy of having those menacing horns
} adorning my all-powerful head. How all creatures used to tremble at
} my sight!  How I used to roam far and wide, unhampered by anything,
} unchallenged by anyone. All males cowered before me! All females
} threw themselves at my feet! I was the king of all I surveyed!
}
} And then - one day as I was surveying my kingdom, I noticed a
} disturbance far to the east. I rushed to check it out, and saw to
} my horror a great, massive green creature rising from a volcano.
} At first it looked like it was made out of papier-mache and cheap
} latex, but before I could get close enough to tell, the creature
} leaped at me and shot fire from its mouth. It was grappling with me!
} This silly creature was trying to destroy me -- the Great Oracle!
} I could see people running away screaming.  Their mouths were moving,
} but the sounds that came out didn't seem to match. Oh well, I didn't
} have time to ponder on the meaning of this, for I had a more immediate
} problem -- this creature had circled around and taken a bite out
} of my backside! I backed up, turned around, took a mighty run, and
} leaped into its belly, planting my horns square on their target.
} This seemed to deflate the creature a bit, but it came back at me.
} I rammed it again, giving myself an awful headache in the process.
} The creature stumbled. I gathered myself, gave a final mighty leap, and
} bashed the creature full in the chest, knocking it deep into the sea.
}
} Woozy, I decided it was time to return to my original physical form
} and to my home. When I came in, Mrs. Orrie took one look at me and
} screamed. I looked into the mirror and discovered that my posterior
} had been severely distorted. Of course, being omnipotent, I was
} able to restore it to its original beatitude with merely a thought.
} So you see, dear supplicant, you cannot sue - Ram tough has always
} been vulnerable to a Nippon the butt.