Date: Sat, 6 MAY 1995 09:47:20 -0500 
From: Steve Kinzler <oracle-admin@cs.indiana.edu>
Newsgroups: rec.humor.oracle
Subject: Best of Usenet Oracularities #701-725 

Selected-By: gt2126b@prism.gatech.edu (William T. Petrosky)

The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> If a tree in a forest falls on Newt Gingrich and no one is around to
> hear him scream, what will middle-class tax rates do in relation to
> Federal Reserve interest rates within the next two years?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

}   Hmmm....  a most worthy question.
}
} I think I need to simulate this one on my computer...
}
} >LOOK
}
} You are in a large, dense forest.
}
} >LISTEN
}
} You can hear faint cries for help in the distance.
}
} >GO TO SOUND
}
} You are by a large fallen tree.  Pinned under the tree is Newt
} Gingrich.
}
} >SAY HELLO
}
} "I'm under a tree, you idiot!  Help me!", replies Newt.
}
} >SAY HOW?
}
} "You must deliver my tax plan to Washington so it can be passed!", says
} Newt.  He offers you a briefcase.
}
} >TAKE BRIEFCASE
}
} You now have a thin brown briefcase.
}
} >INVENTORY
}
} You are carrying:
} A briefcase
} A Swiss Army knife
} Beef Jerky
} A Honda Accord
} A biology textbook
}
} >USE HONDA
}
} You are inside the Honda.
}
} >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON
}
} You have reached Washington.  A logging company lies to the west
}
} >DRIVE TO WASHINGTON DC
}
} You have reached Washington DC.  The capitol lies to the north.
} The White House lies to the east.
}
} >DRIVE TO WHITE HOUSE
}
} You have reached the White House.
}
} >ENTER
}
} A Honda Accord can't fit in the White House!
}
} >PUT ACCORD AWAY
}
} The Honda Accord is stored on your person.
}
} >ENTER WHITE HOUSE
}
} You are inside the White House.  There is a staircase leading upstairs.
} The Oval Office is to the West.
}
} >ENTER OVAL OFFICE
}
} You are inside the oval office.  A large man with grey hair is behind
} the desk.  The President says "Can I help you?"
}
} >OPEN BRIEFCASE
}
} The briefcase is locked!
}
} >USE SWISS ARMY KNIFE
}
} Use on what?
}
} >BRIEFCASE
}
} The briefcase is now open.  It contains:
} A budget bill
} A stopwatch
} A pornographic magazine
} A computer mouse.
}
} >SAY I HAVE NEWT'S BILL
}
} "If you don't leave immediately, I'm calling security", the President
} says.
}
} >DROP BEEF JERKY
}
} The President unwraps the Beef Jerky.  The President eats the Beef
} Jerky.  The President smiles.  The President says, "Just like mom's.
} Got any more?"
}
} >DROP MAGAZINE
}
} The President sees the magazine.  The President reads the magazine.
} The President nods approvingly.
}
} >HIT PRESIDENT WITH BOOK
}
} Where will you hit the President?
}
} >THE HEAD
}
} The President is now unconscious.
}
} >PLACE BRIEFCASE ON DESK
}
} The briefcase is on the Oval Office desk.
}
} >SIGN BILL
}
} You sign your name on the President's face.
}
} Security has just entered the room!
}
} You have been arrested.
} Your score is 536 out of 12645
}
} Oh well, guess that didn't work.  I suppose the answer is nothing.
} Gridlock continues as normal.
}
} You owe the Oracle an audit.