NBC's Mad Dash for Olympic Cash
By Dave Barry Knight-Ridder News Service, Atlanta
For those of you who did not read this in the paper...
AND NOW for my impression of the Olympics on TV:
- Trumpets
- Bom! Bom! Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom!
- BOB COSTAS
- Good evening, and as you can tell by the sound of the Olympic Theme
Song that we play almost as much as we show Kerri Strug's historic vault, it's
time for our broadcast of The Recently Videotaped Olympic Games Featuring
Americans. We're going to start by taking you right to the track-and-field
stadium, where the men's 100-meter dash is about to get underway (despite the
fact that it actually happened four hours ago).
- TRACK COMMENTATOR
- Bob, this promises to be an exciting race, featuring Americans.
- BOB COSTAS
- And what are the obstacles that these Americans have overcome to create
a Human Interest Factor for our broadcast?
- TRACK COMMENTATOR
- Bob, from left to right, they have overcome psoriasis,
vertigo and a bad allergy to vinaigrette dressing.
- BOB COSTAS
- We'll come back to the men's 100-meter final, but right now we're going
to replay the video of Kerri Strug, an American, overcoming her ankle injury to
make her courageous vault.
- (Kerri Strug vaults)
- BOB COSTAS
- What a human moment! Time for a commercial.
- ANNOUNCER
- We're IBM. We're a giant corporation with vast computer expertise.
That's why we're in charge of keeping track of all the statistics for these, the
Olympic Games of 1953. Thank you.
- Trumpets
- Bom! Bom! Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom!
- BOB COSTAS
- Now we're going to take you to women's beach volleyball, where
the sun is shining brightly despite the fact it is now 10:37 p.m. on the East
Coast.
- BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR
- Thanks, Bob. This is Holly McPeak, an American,
and as you can see in this digitized, computer-enhanced, ultra-slow-motion
Beach-Cam close-up shot, she has overcome cellulite.
- BOB COSTAS
- I'll say. When is she going to serve?
- BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR
- She'll be serving in about four seconds, Bob.
- BOB COSTAS
- I'm sorry, but we don't have that kind of time, because we need to show
this Heartwarming Moment.
- (Kerri Strug vaults)
- BOB COSTAS
- Now let's go out to the cycling competition, where I believe we have a
race involving an American.
- CYCLING COMMENTATOR
- That is correct, Bob. We have an American shown
here pedaling furiously in 637th place, with a solid chance to move up to 636th.
- BOB COSTAS
- What obstacle has this American overcome?
- CYCLING COMMENTATOR
- Bob, he is overcoming one hellacious case of hemorrhoids.
- BOB COSTAS
- We'll have more on that exciting cycling race, but right now we're going
to return to the Olympic track stadium for an update on the men's 100-meter
dash.
- TRACK COMMENTATOR
- Bob, the race started about two seconds ago and should be
over in about eight more seconds. None of the Americans has fallen
down.
- BOB COSTAS
- We're going to break away from the men's 100-meter dash at this point,
but we will be covering it throughout the course of the evening. Right now,
however, we want you to see this moment, captured by our NBC cameras.
- (Kerri Strug vaults)
- BOB COSTAS
- Now let's head out to the pool to check on the progress of the American
swimmers, all of whom have overcome asthma.
- SWIMMING COMMENTATOR
- Bob, here we see an American swimmer winning a race. This
happened earlier.
- BOB COSTAS
- How much earlier?
- SWIMMING COMMENTATOR
- Twenty-four years, Bob. This is Mark Spitz.
- BOB COSTAS
- Time for this commercial.
- ANNOUNCER
- We're the Nike Corporation. We pay famous athletes millions of
dollars to wear our shoes. Because of this, you, the public, pay absurdly
high prices for these shoes. Is that stupid, or what? Thank you.
- Trumpets
- Bom! Bom! Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom!
- (Kerri Strug vaults)
- BOB COSTAS
- OK, right now there are exciting gold-medal competitions going on in
archery, shooting, rowing, kayaking, table tennis, softball, volleyball,
team handball and judo, so right now we're going to take you to beach
volleyball.
- BEACH VOLLEYBALL COMMENTATOR
- Bob, as you can see, American Holly McPeak is bending over.
- BOB COSTAS
- I'll say.
- Trumpets
- Bom! Bom! Bom-Bom Bom Bom Bom!
- (Kerri Strug vaults)
Dave Barry is a humor columnist for the Miami Herald. Write to him c/o Tropic
Magazine, The Miami Herald, One Herald Plaza, Miami FL 33132.